If Grief's a journey, I need a GPS.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance

Prior to the loss of my grandmother, anytime a friend would lose someone, I would google articles about grief. Prior to July 14th, I had never really had to grieve. So, in an effort to find empathy, I would try to research what my friends may be experiencing. However, I can honestly say the articles couldn't express the twists and turns my life has been on the last three weeks. 

I guess in my head, I thought, "Okay, so I'll spend a week in denial, maybe squeeze anger into a weekend, maybe by August I'll be all caught up." Boy, have I been wrong. If I could, I would compare it to walking in a forest and knowing that there are landmines scattered throughout. As you walk through, you know where certain trigger points are so you try to avoid them. It's like you are trying to avoid the pain. You walk cautiously, avoiding situations where you could possibly get caught off guard.

You are seeking a "new normal", but also afraid to forget and moving on. "What does moving on look like?" You ask yourself. You feel disconnected, but your own thoughts seem more comforting than a crowd. I'm irritable. I know I am. I avoid situations that I know will make me just so frustrated I could explode, because you are afraid you will say something you'll regret. (traffic home from work hasn't been too fun lately lol) I'm frustrated with simple things, people, but probably myself the most.

My biggest fear is letting it go. Like really letting it all out. I haven't cried since the funeral, and I've cut myself off multiple times from "going down that road." It's unfortunate how people expect others to grieve. People are afraid I'm "going off the deep end." I guess they expect me to structure my handling of things according to their expectations. I'll come to terms with that later I guess.

I wish grief was more convenient. I need to get stuff done. I need to get to the gym more. I miss that, but haven't been sleeping well. I need to get back to meal prepping, but adjusting life to the new work schedule hasn't been so easy either. I'll get there, but need time. Which is something I seem to be running out of lately. I've disapointe many people during this time as well, and it's been easier to just "go big or go home." with the disappointments too. SIGH.

If you're reading this and you are a friend, know that I'm trying. Trying to figure out what I can handle, and what I can't. I've had to say no a lot lately, and will be saying it more in the future. 

If you stumbled upon this article and you haven't grieved before, consider yourself very fortunate, and pray for grace if that time ever comes. Grief is scary. Covid grief is just miserable. Show grace to others, we appreciate it.

Lastly, if you are like me trying to understand how this works or what to expect, I'm sorry it's going to be different for everyone, but know that there are others who are grieving too and that you aren't alone in this. Find someone who you do trust and hold on to them. I'm thankful for the people who have been exactly where I needed to be at that time.

I'm sure there's more, but I'll stop there for now.

~Josh